Thursday, December 16, 2004
ljcfghdrlgbedrgbdek I HATE SUBJECT BARS.
i miss reading.
i miss talking until way later.
i miss that feeling of being up too late with school in the morning.
i miss my old life.
i think its dumb how i look at my old stuff and wonder how or why.
or how when i do something i used to do i get sad.
urgh
getting old sucks a lot.
especially being nostalgic and old.
boo.
Posted at 09:29 pm by pennylane4eva
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Friday, December 03, 2004
dear ____,
i'm sitting in my first period computer class eating peanut butter cookies (hey, they're just dumb HPs) and smiling. last night i wasnt smiling. not at all. you hurt my feelings a lot. i'm sorry if i again sound like a dum-dum, but you did. when you said you didnt mind not talking for stretches of time? i mean, i knew what you meant, that i'd still be there, but it hurt my feelings a lot. it hurt my feelings that you said you wouldnt mind it. that it wouldnt bother you at all. is it bad that it would bother me? someone told me when i told them this last night that "guys dont understand. we, as girls, need them." and i thought "why the fuck would you make yourself passive based on gender?... willingly?" i mean, i need you, and i thought you needed me too. maybe you still do, but not ALL THE TIME? i can understand that. i dont think YOU understand why. i think this is part of my obsessive-compulsive thing. if i dont tell someone about my day and think they care, then my day was a waste. if it wasnt acknowledged then it didnt happen, it wasnt good, it couldnt have "been".
anyways, i know you were frustrated but i thik you meant it. i just wanted to let you know how much it hurt my feelings....
...a lot.
love,
alexis
Posted at 08:13 am by pennylane4eva
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Saturday, November 27, 2004
dear you,
i thought about you a lot today.
i was in a very sweet and giving mood.
and now i'm NOT.
YOU fucked it up.
and i KNOW you didnt think about me nearly at all today.
i can feel it.
thanks bye.
<3 lexis
Posted at 08:42 pm by pennylane4eva
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
You will never know what is true and what is fiction....
Dear ____,
I don't hate you, I promise. I don't understand this place. I don't understand the lack of communication people exhibit. It would be nice to know what was going on inside of your head, I can accept that you may not want to share, may not want to let me in, but it's not helping things get better. The unspoken doesn't mean it's healed. I want someone to trust me. I want to trust someone. I don't see that in you, but that's A.O.K. I think we can still be friends, even if I did something awful again. It wouldn't matter. Everything could be resolved in time.
<3 Lexis.
Dear ____,
You broke my heart. The silly thing is that there wasn't ever anything between us, yet every time I see you my stomach cramps and my legs shake. You've got an affect on me. I don't know how much of it is dislike or excitement or anger or what, but I don't really like it. I wish you would admit you used me, just once. I would be able to move on, because if you admitted it I could smile, catch the knob in my throat, and face it like a big girl. Instead I'm burrying my head further in the sand and distracting myself. I don't know which is worse: knowing I should hate you and still wanting you, or having everyone hate me for that. Both aren't good. I shun even myself. I wish you would talk to me more. We connect on no level. I want you to be desicive and tell me what you're interested in, try to get me interested also. I'd like something on a higher level than purely physical. Thanks.
<3 Lexis
Posted at 11:20 pm by pennylane4eva
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i decided to change a few things on this blog.
from now on this blog will be letters.
to someone, to everyone, to no one.
they will be Anon E Mouse.
please enjoy.
thank you.
Posted at 11:09 pm by pennylane4eva
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Saturday, November 20, 2004
i know, i know you're somewhere out there
i hear love songs all the time.
its funny that people chose one song to be their couples song... because every time i hear a love song i think back to you.
and i get curious if one day all the words to every love song will apply to us.
and i think about weddings and futures
high school, college graduations
job applications
interviews
all the firsts i have yet to expirience
it seems silly, but i will know i have my own life when there is a newspaper delivered to my own house.
i want that. i want that life so bad.
Posted at 08:52 pm by pennylane4eva
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
please just dont play with me, my paper heart will bleed....
last night = lots of fun.
kay so i went to the greenday/sugarcult/new found glory concert... woooo.
that was spiffalicious times 24.
we got like 12 people onto the floor level illegally, including me.
then i hung back with claire and matt just hangin out through new found glory and some of greenday.
but i did get in the serious action.
i pushed and shoved and moshed my way to <b>two people away from Billy Joe.</b>
*le sigh*
he is my goddddddddddddd.
i mean, i could see their tatoos clearly. which ones were colored in or not. i could see Billy's socks... they were black and red stripped. and when i lifted his foot i saw the designs on the bottom of his converse <i>clearly.</i> now thats something to be proud of.
its just so cool to think that my little town is getting all this action. its like... yay!
the moshing got scary. i dont like physical pain so i just stayed with the crowd jumping and pushing.
that wasnt as bad.
yeah. so i'm in class... but i gotta go.
i'm listening to all american rejects. are you?
you should.
because they OWN... yer <u>mom</u>.
haha. god if they came to town i would die in a puddle.
<3 lexis
Posted at 07:46 am by pennylane4eva
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what is the appropriate response when something is wrong with someone
and even they dont know what it is
and you listen
and then you say sorry.
because you ARE sorry
you are so incredibly sorry that they feel any pain
because they of all people dont deserve it
because they are just perfect and so much like you
and i wish i could fix things
and i hate the unfixable
and i know i should be social worker
but ehhhh.
i just wish i could take them into my arms
and put their head in my lap
and let them sleep on their back
with their eyes up towards me
and as they slept i could magically heal their wounds
and know that sleep is making everything alright
and if their eyes fluttered in their sleep
my heart would skip a beat, and i would wish that they rest easier
they would wake and smile up at me
and i would kiss their forehead
and there would be an oreo waiting for them to munch on
and i would say in the sweetest voice i could muster:
"your problems are all fixed, its all okay for once"
and i would be certain that it was true
Posted at 06:42 pm by pennylane4eva
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i was at the bowling ally with Andrea. we decided to go drive around or something. Mikala showed up. i went with her. we decided to run along the road as Andrea and her grandpa followed behind in their car. we kept trying to ditch them. we spent the whole running time trying to figure out a route that wouldnt go downhill, because they would gain speed and catch up to us. because, by the way, Andrea and her grandpa hadnt turned the car on... so they were just driving with the hills. we came to this huge asphault hill. Mikala and i dashed up it... and on the other side was the skate park. i got up and said "holy moley! i got up the half pipe again!" and we giggled. we found a guy. his name was Trevor. apparently i knew him. Mikala liked him right off the bat. we hung out watching him skate around. then we went into the woods to have a "threesome". hah. we were just walking down the trail when some guy came along. he had 2 dogs on leashes and 2 that werent. the calm ones were on leashes. the mean ones came up and snapped their jaws at us. Trevor was on the ground. a dog had bit him. Mikala was gone. i yelled at the guy with the dogs. i yelled at him so loud and angrily. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, DUDE? I DONT CARE HOW NICE THOSE DOGS ARE TO YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A WIFE, BUT YOU NEED TO FUCKING CONTROL THEM WHEN THEY'RE ON PUBLIC PROPERTY. FUCK." i helped Trevor up and we walked back to the skatepark. Mikala was there. we laughed. hung out. then we walked back over to where we had come into the skatepark. and my grandma was there with her car. it was really late at night. her eye was lazy and she was slurring. but i knew it was from sleep deprivation. i hugged Trevor goodbye. and shook Mikalas hand. he said that we'd have to try for that threesome another day. i laughed, but knew it wouldnt happen.
we both turned around.
Mikala was gone.
Posted at 10:58 am by pennylane4eva
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i hate how last night your picture looked at me as i attempted to sleep... ruining the entire process.
knowing you were that close, and far away, did not put me at rest.
i couldnt sleep.
Posted at 07:03 pm by pennylane4eva
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